How to Deal with Energy Vampires & Avoid Being “Glamoured”!

Here at the-Coaching Blog-run by Gerard O’Donovan, our aim is to constantly bring value to those seeking to improve their lives. Therefore we have a policy of publishing articles and materials by guest authors whom we value and appreciate. Today’s guest author is Taryn Harris (South Africa).

Energy vampires

There are many people that we encounter in our lives that leave us feeling drained and as though the life has been sucked out of us. And often it’s not only a person, but an entire organisation or group of people that affect us this way. The way they show up varies. Sometimes it’s a boss that bullies. A friend that is constantly complaining about life. A colleague that finds flaws in all your suggestions. Someone you feel you need to walk on egg shells around and watch what you say, as it’s often misconstrued and they get defensive or shut down. The way we speak of these encounters is indicative of how it actually affects our sense of health, mood and energy levels. For example, “I can only handle her in small doses”, “I feel like I need to take a shower afterwards”, “It’s like I’m under attack”, or “It’s a toxic environment”.

Various plots at play

8 times out of 10, these people are not trying to leave you feeling this way. They don’t wake up in the morning, rub their hands together with evil intent and plot how they will ruin your day and take your life force. Like you, they are winging it and doing their best to live their life and make meaning, based on their beliefs about how the world operates.

There are complex subconscious issues at play and, most of the time, the way they are showing up is due to their own fears and unhealthy (and often unconscious) perspectives — so they have developed strategies to protect themselves based on what they perceive as REAL. These strategies often keep them locked in a personal hell, feeling like a victim or like they are constantly under attack which results in them feeling alone, insecure and in a state of fight or flight, which then also weakens their ability to manage stress or interactions. The boss bully might have a fear that he will lose respect, power or his job, based on an unconscious belief that everyone is out to get him. Maybe he suffered a betrayal in the past and now shows up constantly defending himself or he believes those in power need to be ‘hardcore’. The friend who is always complaining might believe she is not worthy of a happy life and that she is being punished for not being good enough, so she keeps up the script due to fear of actually noticing the good in her life in case it gets taken away.

A hit of drama and power plays

Everyone likes a bit of drama. In fact, humans are addicted to the stuff. The media we watch and the books we read keep us captivated if there’s some sense of drama, a view we align with, a bit of judgement or a fear factor. It’s even evident with comments on online media or letters in the newspapers and in global politics — either those who agree with the view, adding their voice or approval, or the “haters” giving their disapproval. Everyone defending their individual or collective “truth” based on a need to control their experience of life and justify their outlook and opinions. We all share a desire to be seen, heard, acknowledged and appreciated. AND we also fear this, because it means we are then exposed and might become prey, or proved wrong, which might result in a perceived loss of power and relevance. And when we “win” we feel justified, and more in control.

Just start noticing the conversations you or others are having — most of them are made up of meaty titbits to really sink our teeth into and confirm our views and relevance. Remember how many vampire movies and series were all over our screens not so long ago. To a large extent, these programmes speak to our collective unconscious beliefs around power, vulnerability and being in danger. It appeals to the ego part of us that tries to protect us from perceived threats and establish a sense of psychological safety. We can identify with the vampires and the victims in the programmes because we all have strategies, fears and trust issues, even if they are irrational.

Lost in translation:

Don’t think you are immune. You can also morph into an energy vampire. When you are having a bad day, or even when you are complaining about your personal “energy vampires” and how they are the problem! When you get triggered because of how they behave, which you now take personally and interpret as a sign of disrespect and “Who do they think they are?, “How dare he?” or “Her ‘poor me’ is messing with my search for inner joy!” you then become the one who is indulging in the drama (trying to defend your sense of self) and pointing fingers at them — blaming them for bleeding you dry. The’s always a “bad guy”, hero and victim. And we all play these roles in various contexts. You have to take control of your energy levels and how you react, and find a way not to see it as a witch hunt so you can free yourself from the drama. We’re all interpreting the story playing out through our own beliefs, fears and world views — how we judge words, actions and everything else. We all play different roles and speak our own language and often think its life or death to defend our views!

Shape shifting & taking the stake out of the heart

You can’t force them to change to fit into your world view or control the environment. However, you can become a Shape Shifter and take your power back by changing the way you relate and react to them. By coming from a more objective, adult perspective. By making space for their views, without taking them on. This might involve improving your own level of emotional intelligence (the capacity to be aware of, manage, and express one’s emotions and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically) or social intelligence (refers to your ability to handle other’s emotions, to inspire and help develop others based on your level of skilled interaction).

By having compassion for them and acknowledging the drama that is playing in their heads and heart, you will be better equipped to interact with them. And by taking yourself out of the power play, you create an invisible protection around you (like some big garlic cloves around your neck), where you don’t let their behaviour or opinions affect you. This is a healthier option then absorbing their “stuff” and making it your own. Remember to have compassion for where they are and the pain they are in whilst putting boundaries in place to look after you!

Change the plot

Remember, you are human. And even the most “evolved” still get triggered. It’s part of our nature. So if the energy vampire is too much and you don’t have the capacity to shape shift or not get triggered, then my invitation is to change how you are in relationship with them as much as you can. Identify what the environments, actions, beliefs and conversations are that bring out your and their energy vampire and avoid them by putting up personal boundaries. Change the role you are playing and the scenes you appear in.

Or have an assertive conversation, expressing your view and desire for a new script. Before you do, assess what the implications might be if your view is misconstrued. What would be the worst case scenario and if you would be ok with that outcome. Decide what is more important: Being right or the relationship? Are you actually open to finding a new way of relating to this person or group? How serious is this situation really?

Change the script

1. Start by ensuring you pick the right time and place to have the conversation for both of you or the group.
2. Give context to conversation in a kind, but clear way “ I would like to have a conversation with you about /explore new ways of how we can have a richer friendship/work better together to achieve the business objectives etc”
3. “When you… (State action/behaviour and stick to facts! No shaming or attacking the person) it results in me feeling/interpreting (express how you interpret the actions and what they mean to you). What I would prefer going forward to ensure (desired outcome) is “x”. What are your thoughts? (Ask for what you need and then let go of what the outcome is, whilst working with what they contribute to find a new way of relating)

Inner warning system: Alarm bells!

Your body warns you when you get triggered or when you are feeling threatened. We all have different signals. Sometimes our breathing gets shallow, or we feel hot, or our throat constricts or we feel the hair on the back of our neck stand up. Our body is telling us we are moving into a flight or fight state. What is your inner warning system? Once you know what it is, when you notice the alarm bells, have a strategy in place to help you from getting sucked into the power play. Maybe it means excusing yourself and going to the bathroom or breathing into your feet. Or imagining you growing fangs to help you take yourself less seriously. Whatever works for YOU. Experiment and find one!

Exception to the Rule: 2 out of the 10

There are a minority who do wake up and plot to take your life force and control you. In vampire movies, you often see them at the door “glamouring” their prey. Glamouring is the vampire form of hypnotising, that results in them being allowed “in” and your defences being dropped. They seem to make sense. They seem to care. They are masters of deception and usually very intelligent, which enables them to easily influence. Many sociopaths have a skill for brainwashing and controlling. Again, trust your instincts at the start! Your inner warning system will let you know ‘this doesn’t feel right’ and again, make sure you don’t give your power away by letting them “in”!

It’s only doom and gloom if you believe it is!

We have strategies to keep us safe. However, sometimes we react to life and people as though we are in actual mortal danger. But we aren’t, there isn’t a bad guy and it’s just the drama that’s got our attention. In vampire movies, the rule is, a vampire can only enter your home if you invite it in. You have choices: You can keep the door closed, open the door but keep them on the other side of the threshold, or invite them in. And most of the time, when there is a knock at your door, it’s not a vampire but a person — just being human.

Ultimately, it’s your choice. Step out of the drama, AND trust your instincts!

About Taryn Harris

Taryn Harris is an Executive Coach, Human Asset Activator, Life designer, Speaker, and Creator of the Hardwire4Success and Wired2Thrive Programmes. She moves people into their power and ideas, brands and organisations into their power through people. Taryn shows her clients how to positively affect their mind and emotions by rewiring their biology to become more content, calm and confident.

She has a skill in growing and optimising assets for improved productivity, motivation and resilience. She prepares your human capital for the adoption of innovation (i.e. new ideas, skills, processes, methods) to promote uptake and business optimisation with consistent brand alignment. She also develops interpersonal and leadership skills, with emphasis on emotional intelligence and the science of inspiration to guide organisations and individuals to create buy-in and self-sustaining systems.

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